Musician jokes: Let's hear 'em!

You never can know too many musician jokes, right? There are plenty of guitar player, drummer, female vocalist, etc. jokes - but why have I never heard any keyboard player jokes? Should I be glad, or are we just not funny?

Anyway, it seems like a fun topic, so throw 'em out there, peeps! I’ll start…

Q: What’s the range of a bassoon?
A: It depends on where you grip it while throwing.

How can you tell when there’s a drummer at your door?

The knock speeds up.

A violist couldn’t find a babysitter for rehearsal, and had to bring his 4 year old along. The conductor was dubious, but the violist swore his kid would be super quiet, just look at some books, and listen to the music. Reluctantly, the conductor agreed.

Halfway through the rehearsal, the conductor was impressed. True to his word, the violist’s kid hadn’t made a sound. But suddenly, the violist smacked his child! Even so, the child merely whimpered a little and stayed quiet. The conductor was shocked, but kept going.

Afterward, the conductor rounded on the violist. “Hey, your kid was being perfectly quiet–why on earth did you hit him?!”

“Well,” replied the violist, “he detuned one of my strings.”

“OK, that’s not good,” said the conductor, “but I don’t see why you’d react so terribly to it.”

The violist looked angry. “He wouldn’t tell me which one.”

A bassoonist was on his way to a rehearsal, but first had to make a stop downtown to run an errand. After finding a parking place and walking a few blocks toward his destination, he suddenly realized he hadn’t locked his car doors. Panicked, he ran back to his car, but it was too late - someone had already put two more bassoons inside it.


Q: How do you know when the drum riser is level?
A: The drummer is drooling out of BOTH sides of his mouth.

Q: How do you get the drummer off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza!
(An especially useful joke for my friend who actually IS a drummer who delivers pizza.) :slight_smile:

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Q: How do you get the guitar player to turn down?

A: Put some charts in front of him.


Delusional SynthOwner magazine - pretty hilarious:


Q: How many female vocalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A; Just one - she holds the bulb, and the rest of the world revolves around her.

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Q: What does an orgasm and a drum solo have in common?

A; You always know when one’s about to happen, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Q: Why did God give drummers IQs a few points higher than horses?

A: So they don’t crap in the streets during parades.

A man visiting Africa notices everywhere he goes there’s drums playing, and asks his guide about it… His guide answers “Drums play! very good! drums stop! very very bad!!”… They continue on… and after a few hours the man asks again, Geez!! what is up with all these drums!?? Again his guide says the same thing… “Drums play! very good! drums stop! very very bad!!”… The man asks “Ok, what happens when the drums stop??”

Bass Solo…

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Q: A dead snake and a dead trombonist are lying in the road. What can you conclude?

A: At least the snake might have been on his way to a gig.

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A jazz musician died, and upon arriving in heaven, learned that he would be playing in the band there. He was overjoyed. “Well, don’t get too excited,” the gatekeeper said. “It can be a pretty rough gig.”

"What do you mean?" the musician asked. "This is heaven - it must be a great gig! Tell me - who is the bass player in the band?"

"Ah, Jaco Pastorius plays bass," the gatekeeper replied.

“You’re kidding! Man, I can’t believe it - I get to work with Jaco?”

“Yeah, but I tell you, it’s a tough job,” the gatekeeper persisted.

"Aw, come on. Is there a sax player?"

“Yes, let’s see - Charlie Parker is the name, I believe.” “What?! Charlie Parker! That’s incredible! What a gig!” The musician could hardly contain himself. “Who is playing piano?”

“Oh, that’s Art Tatum. Nice fella,” the gatekeeper replied.

“I can’t believe this!” The musician was dumbfounded. “And on drums?”

"Buddy Rich plays drums in the band."

“Amazing! I’ll be working with Jaco Pastorius, Charlie Parker, Art Tatum, and Buddy Rich, some of the best players ever, and you’re telling me it’s not that great of a gig? What could possibly be wrong?” the musician asked.

“Well…” the gatekeeper hesitated, “God’s got this girlfriend who thinks she can sing…”